Sustained Through Promises

"Then the One seated on the throne said, 'Look!  I am making everything new.'  He also said, 'Write, because these words are faithful and true.'"
-Revelation 21:5

In previous years I had stayed up with my family, munching on snacks as we waited to toast the new year, tiredly but cheerfully clinking glasses of apple cider.  This year I instead lay in my bed, quietly contemplating the year I would leave behind, as well as the one I was about to begin, as the folk music gently drifted through my earbuds.  Like everyone else, the thought of a new year brought me comfort; I was glad for a fresh start to the year and an opportunity to work on the small resolutions I had made.  Still, this also brought plenty of uncertainty; after all, just because another year was starting did not mean that the things I had considered and prayed over would suddenly be resolved.  Dad was still in need of a job; we weren't sure whether Colorado would be our home in another year; I had begun to question what my "calling" truly was.  If anything, the new year didn't diminish the questions surrounding these circumstances, but only made them more pressing.
Often this kind of uncertainty would beget the same kind of anxiety that comes when I am sitting in the passenger seat of a car.  I don't particularly enjoy driving, but I still generally prefer to drive myself than to get a ride from someone else.  Even if the other person is a good driver, I often find myself clutching the roof handle with white knuckles, or itching to use the brake pedal (even though it's not there) if I sense the driver hasn't started braking early enough.  Sometimes the driver will give me a quizzical or amused look, and then I apologize and explain that I really, really like having control.
Yet as I lay there in my bed on New Year's Eve, I didn't feel the waves of anxiety over me or the urge to fight uncertainty, but I instead felt the peace that could only have come from the Holy Spirit.  In the days leading up to New Year's, I had begun to pray more that I would trust in God; in turn, I found that I was beginning to feel more at peace.  I went to bed that night feeling at ease, knowing that though I had no idea how the year would turn out, there was a good and righteous God sustaining my life.
In the days that followed, I've also started dwelling more on some of the promises that God offers in the Bible.  There are many to be found there - promises of wisdom, peace, joy, and so forth.  But this past week, as I engaged in fellowship, spent time in the Word, prayed, and thought to myself, three promises in particular stood out to me.

1. God is in control and cares deeply for you (Colossians 1:17).  In my moments where I doubt God, I still believe God is in control, but I am prone to wonder if He thinks my problems insignificant.  Others are perhaps apt to believe the opposite, that God is loving but doesn't have any real control over their lives.  Yet neither of these are true.  The Bible assures us that nothing is out of His grasp (Job 12:10), for God has already decided the course of our lives (Proverbs 16:9) and through Him we are victorious (Romans 6:14, 8:37).  We can also be assured that God does indeed care for us and our triumphs as well as our trials.  "You Yourself have recorded my wanderings," declares David in Psalm 56, after the Philistines captured him when he fled to Gath for refuge from Saul.  "Put my tears in Your bottle.  Are they not in Your records?"  Psalms like these were David cries out to God show us that we aren't guaranteed safety and comfort; indeed, we will most likely endure miseries of all kinds for the rest of our lives.  But we are promised the eternal, constant love of God, and that all things will work together for His glorious purpose (Romans 8:28).

2. God is wonderfully providential and blesses His children abundantly (Matthew 10:30-31).  God has provided a number of different blessings to each individual, but the greatest one is the one that unifies us as believers: Jesus redeeming us through His crucifixion and subsequent resurrection.  From there, God blesses us with a myriad of other gifts that bring us joy while also bringing Him glory.  For example, my mentor Debbie has been gifted with marriage, four children, and talent to create things like beautiful cards that enrich her ministry at church.  I don't share in these gifts (though I may at some point), but I've been gifted in other ways, such as having the opportunity to live in Leipzig for three months so I could evangelize and exhort others there.  But in the mix of these wonderful blessings we are also handed a number of things that cause us anguish - the passing of a loved one, a car breaking down, a friendship falling apart.  What then?  Could these things bring God as much glory as a miracle would have?  Absolutely.  God still provides through tragedy, but it is often difficult for us to see and understand, since our ability to comprehend the reasons behind our suffering is limited.  His wisdom is, however, far greater than ours, and He therefore understands perfectly what will work best for His glory and our good (Romans 11:33).*

3. God has made you a new creation and is still working to make all things new (Revelation 21:5).  When we decide to follow Christ, the heart of stone we once had is exchanged for a heart of flesh (Ezekiel 36:26).  This means that if we are serious about following Christ, we are engaged in a lifelong process of sanctification that will transform us so we become more like Him.  Hopefully this evokes awe in you as it does me, because my own wonder stems from the fact that I can see my heart better than anyone else and it is not at all a pretty sight.  If I could pull my heart out and hand it to you to inspect, you would see plenty of pride, fear and despair, selfishness, envy, and a number of other things I'd hope you wouldn't find.  But what are these to the God who put sin and death in their own graves?  We will fail this year and in years to come (should we live that long), and with that may come consequences, but God's grace is and will be far greater (Ephesians 4:7) and He will freely offer us mercy (James 2:13, Psalm 86:5).

We will undoubtedly experience difficulty this year - there is no question of whether we will, but when.  But we do not have to despair - God will not hesitate to offer us peace, wisdom, and guidance.  Find comfort in the truth He offers, and let His promises and grace be the bread you eat each day this year.  He will not fail or forsake you.

*This relates to one of the questions Christians are asked the most - "why does God allow pain and suffering?"  For the sake of brevity I didn't want to write much on this, but there are a number of resources written by people wiser than me, such as Trusting God by Jerry Bridges and The Problem of Pain by C.S. Lewis.

Aus Liebe

"And over all these virtues, put on love, which binds them all together in perfect unity."
-Colossians 3:14

God is so, so good.  A couple Sundays ago I returned home from Germany after finishing my internship there, and each day I still reflect on how I was able to see the multitude of ways in which He worked.  Even before I left I got to witness it here in the United States.  In one of my last posts, I asked for prayer for me and the other interns with fundraising; at the time that I was writing, I was still in need of $749.  That money was provided quickly thereafter, and I was able to breathe and shift my focus away from raising money to spending time with friends and with God before it was time to leave.  The night that I realized I was fully funded, I looked through my spreadsheet with a list of sponsors and scrolled and scrolled down, looking at the long list of names.  It was unimaginable to me that so many people would back me through money or prayer.  Yet they had, and my dream of returning to Leipzig truly would become reality soon.
The day I left for the airport, several friends came to my house to say goodbye and pray over me.  I sat on a chair in the middle, crying as I listened to the passionate prayers.  I knew these people loved and cared for me, but to see and listen to that love pour out had a great impact on me, and it was such a wonderful note to leave on.  After we all finished praying, I headed to Denver to have lunch with my family, then said goodbye to them before I finally got to head to Europe.

These people are the sweetest.

Vienna, Austria
Before returning to Leipzig, I first flew to Vienna, Austria, where I was to run the Amazing Race with the other interns I'd be working with for the summer.  This race, inspired by the TV show with the same name, was designed so that each team of interns would compete against each other by solving challenges to get a clue that would bring them to a new destination.  In addition, it would allow the members to see each other's strengths and weaknesses and get to know one another before the real work started.  This took us through Vienna, Austria; Bratislava, Slovakia; and Ostrava and Frýdlant nad Ostravicí, Czech Republic, and ended up being the perfect start to the journey.  The race was, after all, not without difficulty.  There were some challenges where I did well and felt that I had made good contributions to my team, but there were others where I struggled.  One of these challenges involved sewing a pocket onto a T-shirt, and sewing the letters "AR" (for "Amazing Race") onto the pocket.  I had never sewn by hand before, and watching my teammates do it with relative ease was a challenge in itself.  As I sat there, feeling rather silly for not being able to sew a pocket onto a shirt, I began to feel more frustrated, and in turn became increasingly negative.  My team had to help me with that challenge - not only with actually sewing the pocket on, but also by telling me that I was doing fine and everything would be OK.  This experience would end up serving as a perfect harbinger for the rest of the summer - that it would not be without its challenges, but would be well worth all of them.

Team Germany, wearing matching tracksuits and heading to a challenge in Vienna.

After ending the race in 8th place, we headed to Malenovice, Czech Republic, to take part in intern training.  All the interns stayed at the hotel and cabins at the training center there over the course of 4 days to learn more about Josiah Venture and how to effectively serve in our respective roles.  After a wonderful time full of fellowship, worship, and learning, each team was commissioned and had a time for communion together on the last night before we would each head to our countries of service.

Leipzig, Germany

Our first few days were spent settling in at our flats (one for the me and my teammates Rachel, Emily, and Noel, and one for our teammate Tim) and starting to prepare for our first English camp, which would be not in Germany, but in Poland.  After a couple days, we headed to Burg, where we met a couple starting a church plant there, and helped with a barbecue they were hosting to get to know some kids who will attend a camp there in October.  After spending the night there, we returned home to Leipzig, stopping at Quedlinburg to tour the town and enjoy some cheesecake.

A few days later, the Josiah Venture communications team - a team that was touring some of the JV countries to take photos and videos - came to visit and stay with us for a few days.  Each of us got to be interviewed, and we and the city of Leipzig were photographed as well.  It was such a joy getting to know them and interact with them, and when it was time for them to leave, it was one of the first difficult goodbyes that we would have that summer.

The C team and Germany interns.  Photo: Amy Nickerson

We continued to prepare for our upcoming camp, acquainting ourselves with our English curricula and getting materials together.  As we got closer to the camp in Poland approaching, I began to feel more and more insecure.  I began to question whether or not I could truly adequately teach English, and the more I dwelt on this idea, the more my insecurity and anxiety began to shroud my mind.

Despite encouragement from the Rachel, Jim, and Lina, I continued to feel apprehensive.  We packed up the van and headed for Poland, first making our way to the H2O conference center, where we were to undergo more training.  We spent the night there, and the next morning I woke up early, did my make-up, and headed to the lake right behind the cabin where we were staying to read my Bible.

That morning, after I read passages from Deuteronomy and Acts, I felt compelled to read a couple of Psalms.  I turned my Bible to a favorite of mine - Psalm 46 - and began to read.  "God is our refuge and strength, a helper who is always found in times of trouble," begins this Davidic psalm.  "Therefore we will not be afraid, though the earth trembles and the mountains topple into the depths of the seas, though its waters roar and foam and the mountains quake with its turmoil."  As I read, I could feel myself start to feel calmer.  If we aren't to have any fear when the earth is giving way, I thought, clearly it is silly of me to have fear of teaching a class - of being in a position where God put me.

After that, I was ready.

Piotrków Trybunalski, Poland

That day, the team had a quiet, somber day visiting the Auschwitz concentration camp.  We then finally made our way to the city where we would have our first English camp, Piotrków Trybunalski, and settled in the rooms just above the church.  We spent a couple days preparing for the camp, had a church service on Sunday morning, and welcomed the campers that afternoon.

This camp was such a joy, and a great start to the camps that summer.  Teaching English proved to be a challenge, and at one point I had Jim join my class to provide some assistance.  Still, the challenge was well worthwhile, and I began to enjoy teaching more and more with each passing day.

One of the other challenges the week brought was sharing my testimony.  My main testimony - the one where I share how I've come to Christ and made the decision to trust in Him - is one that I've told more than a few times now, and it is therefore not too difficult for me to share.  However, I got the opportunity to share a different testimony on the third night of camp - a story of a time where I had hurt someone and had to live with the consequences afterwards.  This was to preface our talk that evening on sin, and how David from the Bible's sin led to his own downfall.

Sharing my testimony before an evening talk on sin with my friend Sara translating in Polish.  Photo: Wojciech Jastrzębski

Not only was it difficult to share this story, but it was also difficult to do so in front of around 60 people.  Public speaking has never been a talent of mine.  However, I'm glad to have been stretched in that area, and to hopefully have been used for God's purpose, even if it is not completely clear to me how.

The rest of the week went smoothly for the most part.  One of the highlights of the week was when we all took a bus ride to a river, where we went on a kayaking trip.  This came as a huge blessing - I got to have a long conversation with my kayaking partner, who had an incredible testimony about how she came to Christ a year ago and has received a lot of backlash from her family and friends for it.  Listening to this story, and seeing her maturity and intelligence, was a humbling experience, and I was blown away by it.  Many of us came back later that day with sunburns seared into our skin, but we still had a great day of connecting to each other and getting in a great arm workout.

Perhaps the one moment where camp went less than smoothly was the day where we found out that while we were gone, Lina, who had stayed behind in Leipzig, had been in a car accident while trying to get to a baptism.  Thankfully, though, she and the other passengers in her car were fine, save for some cuts and bruises, even though the car itself had been totaled.

At the end of the week, the students bade us farewell, and we signed camp journals and did the camp dance a couple more times.  My wonderful students gave me a bunch of chocolate and a lovely note, and each gave me a hug before the end of our final English class.  Later that day, we had one final "hurrah" and had a follow-up, where we had a barbecue, games, and dancing, and some of the campers' parents were able to meet us and learn about all that had happened at camp.

Ending the evening with a dance.  Photo: Wojciech Jastrzębski

Our time in Poland ended on the following Sunday.  We attended one final service at the church, a kind churchgoer interpreting the entire sermon to English for me and a couple other teammates sitting by me.  We then finished packing and headed to the home of the camp directors, Marta and Łukasz, where they and their parents hosted us for lunch.  We had a lovely time eating and playing frisbee with them, then said goodbye to them before we headed back home to Germany, dropping a couple of the staff members off at their houses on our way.

Leaving Poland was difficult; I've never learned how to say goodbye with grace.  I'm often emotional, especially if I don't know when I'll see the people or place again.  I thought about this as we made the long drive to Leipzig, recognizing that this would not be the last time I would be saying goodbye; far from it, there would be many more to come.  However, though I didn't know every single camper who would come to the next two camps where we would be working, I already knew every one of the would be well worth the goodbyes I'd have to say to them later - the messy, less than pretty ones - despite how difficult they can sometimes be.

Even when people must go away, God is so, so good.

Sweet Lessons

"You will never glory in God 'til first of all God has killed your glorifying in yourself."
-Charles Spurgeon

March 21st!  We are now a couple days into the spring equinox, my favorite season.  I love the hopefulness springtime has to offer with the return of sunshine and greenery, and the association with birth and new life.*  I suppose I am a bit biased, though; my birthday is in the spring, after all.
I am now counting down the days until I make my way back to the country I fell in love with.  There are 68, to be precise.  It's still so surreal to me even though I accepted the opportunity to be an intern all the way back in October.  It felt this way last year too, when I was preparing to go to Germany for the first time.  For some reason it felt like I wasn't going to be able to go, or I was just in a dream.  That same feeling has returned, but perhaps for different reasons.  Perhaps I'm just still in awe that God would afford me such an opportunity.  Or perhaps I just feel, as the old saying goes, "more blessed than I deserve."
Even so, there isn't a day that I don't think about the coming trip.  I think constantly of the people I will reunite with, the ways I will be challenged, the familiar beauty I will get to see again.  Leipzig was so unlike Loveland, my hometown; there are more than five times as many people, it's centuries older, and its rich history is vastly different.  Yet for all the differences, my heart sure made its home there, and I seldom felt out of place despite linguistic and cultural differences between the two cities.

Downtown Loveland.  Photo from www.loveland.org.

Yet I am still content with the time I have left to stay at home.  I guess that's in part because I know that my departure date will be here before I even know it.  On the other hand, there is much God is teaching me here before I leave, lessons I wouldn't have the opportunity to learn during my mission trip.

One of the greatest of these, of course, is to trust.  I have to smile when I think of how God is teaching me.  For all my lessons in humility and leaning on God for understanding, I still have much to learn.  It is much like how I feel when I am the passenger of a vehicle - if I am not the one in control of the car, I feel apprehensive, and I have to assure myself the driver knows what they are doing and will not be foolish enough to get us into a wreck.  God operates exactly the same way - and, in fact, if I am to completely surrender myself to Him, I must relinquish complete control of the vehicle.  No grabbing the steering wheel when I think He's going to get us in a wreck.  No trying to talk Him into going a different route.  Just sitting back and trusting that He knows how to drive without my "help."

In these past months as I've prepared to leave, God presented these lessons when I had to ask for support.  Before they accepted me as an intern, the missionaries I will be working with this summer, Jim and Lina, asked how I felt about the idea of raising support.  I had never done it before - my first trip to Germany was funded by my savings account - and they wanted to gauge what my feelings were.  "Good," I had answered confidently.  "There's a lot to raise, but I know God will pull through."  This is the answer of someone who has full faith that God will indeed provide the needed funds; perhaps I really did have full faith in Him, or maybe I was just coming down from the emotional high of spending all day with my friends and was feeling a bit too self-assured.  Either way, I guess it was a good opportunity for God to put that confidence to the test.  I had to take a giant leap right out of my comfort zone as I asked people to support my ministry.  Making it known that you have a need is a difficult thing for many people, and I think putting it out there that you need money in particular is especially so.  Being self-sufficient is comfortable and powerful.  Coming to people with empty hands and asking puts you in a position where you are saying, "I don't deserve what I am asking for, and asking you to support me requires humbling myself before you."  Yet God provided me with people who gave me a powerful reminder - I am not asking people to fund a summer vacation to Germany, but rather, to fund my lodging, airfare, food, and other costs so I could obey the command to "go forth and make disciples of every nation" (Matthew 28:19).

I was also blessed with a great amount of emotional support.  Missionaries, friends, family - even people I barely know have come forward to pray for and encourage me.  I sorely needed solidarity; money is what will get me across the pond, but being lifted up in prayer is fortifying.  Even just to be able to have simple conversations with people helps greatly; to know that there are people there for me is akin to putting on a suit of armor.

As of writing, I now have $749 to raise.  This means that of my $4,800 goal, God has so far provided $4,051!  If you are reading this, would you please pray that God continues to provide the needed support for me and the other four interns - Emily, Rachel, Tim, and Noel - who will be serving in Germany this year?  In addition, my friend Steffen, who directed the camp last year in Germany, will be serving in Slovakia this year; please pray for his support as well.  Finally, I ask that you pray for us to trust in God and surrender our wills to Him, even when (especially when) things don't go according to plan and we feel discouraged as we encounter cultural and spiritual challenges.  (If you would like to also support me or another intern through giving, you can give securely by clicking here and clicking on the picture of the person you would like to support.)

68 days.  Deutschland, here we come.

I'm excited to build upon friendships and establish new ones, and learn more about how God is working in Germany.

*Some of my European friends have made it quite clear that even though it is officially springtime, there is no sunshine or greenery to be seen, and it is still cold and gray.  Stay strong, my friends!

Befiehl dem Herrn

"Wherever you are, be all there.  Live to the hilt every situation you believe to be the will of God."
-Jim Elliot

"You're going to find a boy there in Germany and you're going to fall in love and not want to return," my parents said frequently before I left.  Often my response to them was, "I'm not going to fall in love with a boy.  I'm going to fall in love with the country and not return."  At that point in time, I had no idea just how right I was.  Indeed, I had fallen head over the heels for the country - the historic cities with beautiful cobblestone streets and centuries old architecture, the food that was so different in all the right ways, and the melodic language I got to listen to (and attempt to speak).  But the hardest part about having to leave was not the sights the country had to offer, but rather, the people.
After a groggy 8.5 hour flight, our team had a few days for some preparation before actually starting the English camp.  We met the people we would be working with and spent some time getting to know them, did some training, and became acquainted with the city of Leipzig, where the local church was.  Enchantment was swift.  I marveled constantly at the gorgeous buildings, especially the churches; the street musicians, where there was such a great variety of music that you could never get bored; and the market, where vendors sold a variety of meat, cheese, fruit, and flowers.

Standing in front of the market vendors in Leipzig.

On Saturday the 15th, the team loaded up and headed for the small village of Pockau, Germany, for the camp.  We settled in and prepared the building for the campers, then greeted them the next day.  I was nervous and unsure of how God would use me in the role that I had, and how to talk and relate to the campers.  After all, I love people, but I wouldn't say I'm very good at talking or keeping a conversation going.  That is certainly the gift of some of my teammates, but it isn't mine.

Sure enough, though, the things I petitioned to God for came true.  Even in small ways, He was able to use me as a vessel for Him and I grew in ways I didn't anticipate.  I was able to watch other people change as well, which filled me with a joy that nothing else on Earth can match.  Camp wasn't perfect, of course - as goes with anything else in the world that matters, there were mistakes, and at times there was discouragement as well.  

One of the activities we did during sports time.

Sure enough, Saturday the 22nd sprang out of nowhere, and we found ourselves all riding a train back to Leipzig together.  I could hardly believe how quickly the week had gone by, and that already I had to say goodbye to the beautiful people I had met.  Even though I knew I would be seeing many of them at the church service the next day, I hugged them tightly, knowing that I wouldn't get much opportunity to see all of them later.  

The final week in Germany was a complete whirlwind of events.  It was kicked off on Sunday, when we attended the local church in Leipzig, the Ring Cafe.  After the service, we had a potluck where we ate and spent some of our last moments with most of the campers together.  One of the highlights was meeting the father of two of the campers, who patiently spoke to me in German.  Often, if they are able, people in Germany will speak English when they hear you speak (I don't know if my accent or my mistakes tipped those people off that I'm American), so for someone to speak German with me was a delight.

The next couple of days provided me with some of my favorite memories I have of Germany.  Saturday evening we spent time with two of the campers and their friends, who gave us a tour of Leipzig and hung out with us for several hours.  We grabbed dinner and ate in a park, visited a river, watched the sunset from the tallest building in the city, and made a mad dash in the rain to a grocery store before it closed to get Fritz Kola, which tastes like Coke but is somehow far superior.

On Monday we were joined again by some campers as we journeyed to the town of Wittenberg, where Martin Luther nailed his 95 Theses to the door of the Church.  This was truly a treat, not only because we had the chance to go for the 500th anniversary of the Reformation, but also because we were able to spend more time with some of the people we had met.  That evening, two of the campers invited us over to their house, where their family served us dinner, and we closed the evening by singing together.

One of my favorite photos from the trip.  Gazing at Leipzig from up above as a thunderstorm rolled through in the distance.

On Tuesday my teammates Rebecca and Daniel flew back home to the U.S., Hannah and her dad Craig left to drive around more of Europe, and the rest of us had a free day in Leipzig.  I spent a good portion of my day alone, praying and thinking as I wandered around downtown.  I was grateful for the time to process what had happened, and though I wasn't too eager to return to the U.S., I was able to think about what was going to happen when I would return.  Eventually, I met some of the other Americans for dinner, where I had schnitzel, perhaps one of the best things I have ever shoved into my mouth (one of the campers mentioned that it's one of his favorite foods, and only then was I able to see why), and spent my final night in Leipzig.

Leaving the next day was hard for those of us who remained.  We all loved the city, and we knew that driving away put more of a distance between us and our new German friends.  For me personally, even though Leipzig was totally different from my hometown of Loveland, it almost felt like another home.

Wednesday through Friday was marked by sightseeing and driving through Saxony.  Most of it was fun - we toured castles and a monastery, stayed at a bed and breakfast, and took a tour of Berlin.  Perhaps the one part that wasn't enjoyable was, for obvious reasons, the tour through Buchenwald; however, it was quite a necessary trip, and one I would make again (or perhaps in the future I would visit a different camp).  This leg of the journey felt a bit odd with just the seven of us there, missing four of our teammates and being unaccompanied by any campers, but we enjoyed ourselves nonetheless.

Entering the Kriebstein Castle.  Beyond this was a small vineyard, and lush green trees and a calm river below.

There wasn't much time to feel sad about our departure on Saturday, because we had to leave the apartment where we were staying at the unholy hour of 4:30 A.M. to get to the airport.  Later, though, I sat in disbelief as I mulled over the fact that we were leaving.  How could the trip have gone by so quickly?  The realization that I was going to be an ocean apart from the friends and land I had come to love so dearly hit me hard.  I thought about it constantly in my addlepated, restless state.  Initially I was going to keep it bottled up and not say anything, knowing fully well that some of my friends were going through much worse than I, and not wanting to place another burden on their shoulders.  However, something in that mindset changed - perhaps it was the realization that my teammates would pray for me because they care for me - and I asked them to pray.  Sunday afternoon, I met with three of them for lunch, and we were able to catch up and talk about what we were feeling.

Since then, I have slowly been adjusting to life back home.  Of course, I was really excited to see my dad and brother again (at the time of writing, the rest of my family is on vacation).  In addition, I was excited to start on the work I have here in Colorado.  After having a long conversation with a member of our staff the final night of camp, I was sent home with several things to do to prepare myself for the future.  My new checklist is actually the most intense I've ever had, and will take me years to complete, so these past few days I've taken baby steps to get me closer to achieving the goals I have, that I may be better suited for service for God and the people around me.  My time in Germany was not only a time for me to be used as a vessel for God, but changed me to better prepare for this time preparing!  I learned more about finding joy through service, became more confident, learned more about having hope, and I trusted God more as I literally begged Him for the desires of my heart.  I have no idea what happens next now.  I know not whether I will stay or leave for another place, or how long I will do either.  Of the few things I do know, one of them is this: "Befiehl dem Herrn dein Tun an, so werden deine Pläne gelingen" (Sprüche/Proverbs 16:3).

Group picture at the end of our pirate-themed night.

Anxieties

"Cast all your anxiety on him because he cares for you."
-1 Peter 5:7

One of the things that has not changed in my twenty-one years of life is that I am a fearful person.
As a kid, fear manifested itself in quite a puerile way, as it does any child.  My parents take great delight in reminding me that at around the age of eight, I thought we would get in trouble for blowing bubbles in a park because there was no sign that permitted us to do so.  Worry was a constant for me - if I wasn't worried for myself, I was worried for those I loved most - and conclusion jumping was my greatest talent.
As I grew older, the fear transfigured, but still remained a constant.  At age sixteen, I began to have panic attacks, which often barred me from getting any sleep and, in turn, sometimes kept me from going to school.  When I wasn't having a panic attack, I was dreading the next one, waiting with anticipation for the next time my fear would twist and choke every organ of my body and make it feel as though it were dying.  I actually feared fear itself, and my odd sense of humor makes me wonder what Eleanor Roosevelt would have made of that.
Four and a half years later, at the age of twenty-one, the fear has transfigured yet again to something truly grotesque, something that is much easier to loathe.  Thanks to therapy, chiropractic care, and lifestyle changes, my anxiety became something much more manageable, a mental battle where I had the upper hand.  Still, it wasn't completely gone, and it was at its worst in the times where I didn't fully trust in God.  This past year, what is perhaps my greatest source of anxiety - my fear of failure - often put me in a state of terror in my schoolwork, so much so that it pushed me to be a straight A student.  When I read the letter that I was on the president's list for having a 4.0 GPA, I was initially ecstatic.  I certainly put in a lot of work for that number.  But now that number only creates a sense of shame because of what I did to achieve it.  Because I was always afraid I was going to fail, those closest to me - mostly my family - were negatively impacted by how I chose to behave.  I fostered such a negative environment that one day, in her final week of school, my younger sister Grace was in such a panic about what she was going to wear for her presentation that it drove her to tears.  I am entirely to blame, and I feel no small amount of shame when I think on that.
Shameful still is that I allowed my anxieties to affect my thoughts regarding my upcoming trip to Germany.
My feelings toward the trip are overwhelmingly joy and excitement.  I've wanted so badly to go for months now, and that God would allow me the privilege of going on this trip amazes me.  Still, despite these feelings, the notion that I would fail resurfaced and grew uglier and uglier.  The denouement was a few days ago when I was in the bathroom, trying to do my make-up, when the anxiety that had been built brick by brick reached its peak.  I broke down crying, and tried to regain control of myself, but to very little avail.  It took a while before I was able to continue doing my make-up, and even so, the misery continued to rot in my brain like poisoned food.
As I came to later understand, the problem wasn't that I feared.  The problem was that I allowed it to stay like a guest in my house, and I might as well have given it the deed.
Reflecting on this later, I realized all I had done.  The greatest was that I refused to trust in God.  By allowing my anxiety to grow more and more, I was essentially refusing the comfort that God provides and I did not permit Him to assuage my fears that I would screw up something in Germany.  I chose feelings while rejecting truth; had I accepted truth, I would have understood that the mission certainly isn't reliant on me.  Even if it were, I should have known that God will not use me to prevent His kingdom from growing!  Anxiety turned humility into self-reliance, comfort into paranoia, productive time with God to wasted time spent worrying.
When I finally realized this, I felt horrified, but turned to prayer.  I asked God to forgive me for my choices and for Him to provide the comfort He promised, and because He is always merciful, He did.  Now is the time for me to repent, and to rest in God.
This isn't to say that anxiety in itself is a sin.  To say that would not only be incorrect, but a terribly harmful idea, so I want to ensure that I am not sending that message.  Where I went wrong was not my fear, but what I chose to do with it, and allowing it to breed and fester.  When I have trust in God, I have a spirit of power, love, and self-control (2 Timothy 1:7).  Fear has absolutely no power in comparison to His, and that which He in turn has bestowed to me and those He calls His.

Introduction

"Be still, and know that I am God.  I will be exalted among the nations, I will be exalted in the earth!"
-Psalm 46:10

Welcome.  If you are here, I thank you for reading.  I'm not sure how often I will have the opportunity to update this blog or if I'll be diligent about it, but I intend to use this as a medium to keep everyone in the loop about my upcoming trip to Leipzig, Germany, and perhaps future trips or even other endeavors.  Either way, the greatest purpose of this blog is to show how God is working in my life and to be held accountable.  After all, to publicly proclaim my everyday testimonies as to how God is displaying His love serves as a way to examine that constantly.

For starters, if you don't already know, I've had an interest in languages for as long as I can remember.  With a passion for languages came a passion for other cultures, and that in turn begot a love for other people.  Somehow, though I once was incredibly cynical and wanted nothing more than to be a reclusive hermit in the Finnish Lapland as soon as I could find a way, God changed me so that I could love His people.

Honestly, I'm still an introvert.  I still think people take a lot of energy.  And sometimes I still sit and cry when I see yet another heinous crime against humanity committed.  And I often feel like I suck at this "love" thing.

But I do have a desire to know and love people.

This is manifesting itself in a desire to go on mission trips.  I always thought those sounded pretty cool, but for some reason it wasn't until last year that I decided I needed to actually do something to get myself there.  So first, the plan was Poland.  While in California last year, my family and I visited my great-aunt Georgia, who goes on mission trips to Poland regularly to help teach children English.  I decided that I, too, wanted to go - until I learned that she wasn't actually going this year.  I was a bit hesitant to go on a trip with people I wasn't already familiar with, so I decided to wait and see what opportunities would open up.

Perhaps the next step, I thought, was to go on a trip to the Czech Republic.  The church I attend, The Crossing, sends people there, and a couple that used to attend our church is now there.  Soon after this decision, I found out that there would be a small team going to the Czech Republic - but they would be going in September, which I could not do because of school.  I resolved once again to wait and see what happened.

Not much longer after that, my dad texted me a picture of a flyer he had found while attending Bible Study Fellowship.  Another church in Fort Collins, LifePointe, was also sending people out on mission trips to Utah, India, Japan, and Germany.  Having already had a vested interest in Germany and the German language, I was quite excited by the thought of doing mission work there.  So despite being nervous at the idea of going on a trip with people I didn't already know - the very reason I decided not to go to Poland - I went to the informational meeting.

The people of the church were so welcoming.  In all my nervousness, I had prepared to be grilled on my beliefs and values, and I thought about how I was going to respond.  Admittedly, I even prepared responses on my beliefs on things like baptism.  After that first informational meeting, I was asked things such as why I wanted to go on the trip, but not the tiny questions I had conjured up in my head.  I then began to attend weekly meetings for those going on the mission trips, which served to help us understand why we were going on these trips and to prepare our hearts for them, and started to pray.  I had a tugging feeling in the back of my mind that this trip wouldn't work out too, and I was still anxious at the idea of the trip, but that didn't mean I wasn't going to make an effort.
By the grace of God, the trip is still working out.
That doesn't mean that things won't still fall through.  God gives... and takes away.  I've prayed that if God wanted me to go on this trip that I would, and though there is still a lot of work to do to prepare for it, I am now 29 days away from boarding the plane.  I've had to come to terms with the fact that my prayer does not change the course that God already has set out for me.  My petitions to Him to please let me go so I can build and cultivate relationships in a beautiful country did not make Him take a pencil, erase what was already destined to happen, and rewrite it.  So, then, unless I happen to break my neck or all airplanes suddenly cease to exist in the next month or something else barring me from leaving happens, I will be going.
If you are reading, please pray for us.  We need prayer that all the team members are able to raise the money to go on this trip; that we will be used as vessels, to be guided in whatever way God sees fit; that we will be building strong relationships with the people we will be meeting; and that we will be safe.  As anxieties surrounding this trip and our outside lives start to build, we need to focus on the greater goal that lies ahead.  But we cannot do this without prayer.  Beyond anything else - such as  resources and money, though those both are still needed - we need to be in communion with God.  All of this team, and all of you who also want to see the advancement of God's kingdom.  Above all else, with each other and with God, we are in need of koinonia.