Befiehl dem Herrn

"Wherever you are, be all there.  Live to the hilt every situation you believe to be the will of God."
-Jim Elliot

"You're going to find a boy there in Germany and you're going to fall in love and not want to return," my parents said frequently before I left.  Often my response to them was, "I'm not going to fall in love with a boy.  I'm going to fall in love with the country and not return."  At that point in time, I had no idea just how right I was.  Indeed, I had fallen head over the heels for the country - the historic cities with beautiful cobblestone streets and centuries old architecture, the food that was so different in all the right ways, and the melodic language I got to listen to (and attempt to speak).  But the hardest part about having to leave was not the sights the country had to offer, but rather, the people.
After a groggy 8.5 hour flight, our team had a few days for some preparation before actually starting the English camp.  We met the people we would be working with and spent some time getting to know them, did some training, and became acquainted with the city of Leipzig, where the local church was.  Enchantment was swift.  I marveled constantly at the gorgeous buildings, especially the churches; the street musicians, where there was such a great variety of music that you could never get bored; and the market, where vendors sold a variety of meat, cheese, fruit, and flowers.

Standing in front of the market vendors in Leipzig.

On Saturday the 15th, the team loaded up and headed for the small village of Pockau, Germany, for the camp.  We settled in and prepared the building for the campers, then greeted them the next day.  I was nervous and unsure of how God would use me in the role that I had, and how to talk and relate to the campers.  After all, I love people, but I wouldn't say I'm very good at talking or keeping a conversation going.  That is certainly the gift of some of my teammates, but it isn't mine.

Sure enough, though, the things I petitioned to God for came true.  Even in small ways, He was able to use me as a vessel for Him and I grew in ways I didn't anticipate.  I was able to watch other people change as well, which filled me with a joy that nothing else on Earth can match.  Camp wasn't perfect, of course - as goes with anything else in the world that matters, there were mistakes, and at times there was discouragement as well.  

One of the activities we did during sports time.

Sure enough, Saturday the 22nd sprang out of nowhere, and we found ourselves all riding a train back to Leipzig together.  I could hardly believe how quickly the week had gone by, and that already I had to say goodbye to the beautiful people I had met.  Even though I knew I would be seeing many of them at the church service the next day, I hugged them tightly, knowing that I wouldn't get much opportunity to see all of them later.  

The final week in Germany was a complete whirlwind of events.  It was kicked off on Sunday, when we attended the local church in Leipzig, the Ring Cafe.  After the service, we had a potluck where we ate and spent some of our last moments with most of the campers together.  One of the highlights was meeting the father of two of the campers, who patiently spoke to me in German.  Often, if they are able, people in Germany will speak English when they hear you speak (I don't know if my accent or my mistakes tipped those people off that I'm American), so for someone to speak German with me was a delight.

The next couple of days provided me with some of my favorite memories I have of Germany.  Saturday evening we spent time with two of the campers and their friends, who gave us a tour of Leipzig and hung out with us for several hours.  We grabbed dinner and ate in a park, visited a river, watched the sunset from the tallest building in the city, and made a mad dash in the rain to a grocery store before it closed to get Fritz Kola, which tastes like Coke but is somehow far superior.

On Monday we were joined again by some campers as we journeyed to the town of Wittenberg, where Martin Luther nailed his 95 Theses to the door of the Church.  This was truly a treat, not only because we had the chance to go for the 500th anniversary of the Reformation, but also because we were able to spend more time with some of the people we had met.  That evening, two of the campers invited us over to their house, where their family served us dinner, and we closed the evening by singing together.

One of my favorite photos from the trip.  Gazing at Leipzig from up above as a thunderstorm rolled through in the distance.

On Tuesday my teammates Rebecca and Daniel flew back home to the U.S., Hannah and her dad Craig left to drive around more of Europe, and the rest of us had a free day in Leipzig.  I spent a good portion of my day alone, praying and thinking as I wandered around downtown.  I was grateful for the time to process what had happened, and though I wasn't too eager to return to the U.S., I was able to think about what was going to happen when I would return.  Eventually, I met some of the other Americans for dinner, where I had schnitzel, perhaps one of the best things I have ever shoved into my mouth (one of the campers mentioned that it's one of his favorite foods, and only then was I able to see why), and spent my final night in Leipzig.

Leaving the next day was hard for those of us who remained.  We all loved the city, and we knew that driving away put more of a distance between us and our new German friends.  For me personally, even though Leipzig was totally different from my hometown of Loveland, it almost felt like another home.

Wednesday through Friday was marked by sightseeing and driving through Saxony.  Most of it was fun - we toured castles and a monastery, stayed at a bed and breakfast, and took a tour of Berlin.  Perhaps the one part that wasn't enjoyable was, for obvious reasons, the tour through Buchenwald; however, it was quite a necessary trip, and one I would make again (or perhaps in the future I would visit a different camp).  This leg of the journey felt a bit odd with just the seven of us there, missing four of our teammates and being unaccompanied by any campers, but we enjoyed ourselves nonetheless.

Entering the Kriebstein Castle.  Beyond this was a small vineyard, and lush green trees and a calm river below.

There wasn't much time to feel sad about our departure on Saturday, because we had to leave the apartment where we were staying at the unholy hour of 4:30 A.M. to get to the airport.  Later, though, I sat in disbelief as I mulled over the fact that we were leaving.  How could the trip have gone by so quickly?  The realization that I was going to be an ocean apart from the friends and land I had come to love so dearly hit me hard.  I thought about it constantly in my addlepated, restless state.  Initially I was going to keep it bottled up and not say anything, knowing fully well that some of my friends were going through much worse than I, and not wanting to place another burden on their shoulders.  However, something in that mindset changed - perhaps it was the realization that my teammates would pray for me because they care for me - and I asked them to pray.  Sunday afternoon, I met with three of them for lunch, and we were able to catch up and talk about what we were feeling.

Since then, I have slowly been adjusting to life back home.  Of course, I was really excited to see my dad and brother again (at the time of writing, the rest of my family is on vacation).  In addition, I was excited to start on the work I have here in Colorado.  After having a long conversation with a member of our staff the final night of camp, I was sent home with several things to do to prepare myself for the future.  My new checklist is actually the most intense I've ever had, and will take me years to complete, so these past few days I've taken baby steps to get me closer to achieving the goals I have, that I may be better suited for service for God and the people around me.  My time in Germany was not only a time for me to be used as a vessel for God, but changed me to better prepare for this time preparing!  I learned more about finding joy through service, became more confident, learned more about having hope, and I trusted God more as I literally begged Him for the desires of my heart.  I have no idea what happens next now.  I know not whether I will stay or leave for another place, or how long I will do either.  Of the few things I do know, one of them is this: "Befiehl dem Herrn dein Tun an, so werden deine Pläne gelingen" (Sprüche/Proverbs 16:3).

Group picture at the end of our pirate-themed night.

Anxieties

"Cast all your anxiety on him because he cares for you."
-1 Peter 5:7

One of the things that has not changed in my twenty-one years of life is that I am a fearful person.
As a kid, fear manifested itself in quite a puerile way, as it does any child.  My parents take great delight in reminding me that at around the age of eight, I thought we would get in trouble for blowing bubbles in a park because there was no sign that permitted us to do so.  Worry was a constant for me - if I wasn't worried for myself, I was worried for those I loved most - and conclusion jumping was my greatest talent.
As I grew older, the fear transfigured, but still remained a constant.  At age sixteen, I began to have panic attacks, which often barred me from getting any sleep and, in turn, sometimes kept me from going to school.  When I wasn't having a panic attack, I was dreading the next one, waiting with anticipation for the next time my fear would twist and choke every organ of my body and make it feel as though it were dying.  I actually feared fear itself, and my odd sense of humor makes me wonder what Eleanor Roosevelt would have made of that.
Four and a half years later, at the age of twenty-one, the fear has transfigured yet again to something truly grotesque, something that is much easier to loathe.  Thanks to therapy, chiropractic care, and lifestyle changes, my anxiety became something much more manageable, a mental battle where I had the upper hand.  Still, it wasn't completely gone, and it was at its worst in the times where I didn't fully trust in God.  This past year, what is perhaps my greatest source of anxiety - my fear of failure - often put me in a state of terror in my schoolwork, so much so that it pushed me to be a straight A student.  When I read the letter that I was on the president's list for having a 4.0 GPA, I was initially ecstatic.  I certainly put in a lot of work for that number.  But now that number only creates a sense of shame because of what I did to achieve it.  Because I was always afraid I was going to fail, those closest to me - mostly my family - were negatively impacted by how I chose to behave.  I fostered such a negative environment that one day, in her final week of school, my younger sister Grace was in such a panic about what she was going to wear for her presentation that it drove her to tears.  I am entirely to blame, and I feel no small amount of shame when I think on that.
Shameful still is that I allowed my anxieties to affect my thoughts regarding my upcoming trip to Germany.
My feelings toward the trip are overwhelmingly joy and excitement.  I've wanted so badly to go for months now, and that God would allow me the privilege of going on this trip amazes me.  Still, despite these feelings, the notion that I would fail resurfaced and grew uglier and uglier.  The denouement was a few days ago when I was in the bathroom, trying to do my make-up, when the anxiety that had been built brick by brick reached its peak.  I broke down crying, and tried to regain control of myself, but to very little avail.  It took a while before I was able to continue doing my make-up, and even so, the misery continued to rot in my brain like poisoned food.
As I came to later understand, the problem wasn't that I feared.  The problem was that I allowed it to stay like a guest in my house, and I might as well have given it the deed.
Reflecting on this later, I realized all I had done.  The greatest was that I refused to trust in God.  By allowing my anxiety to grow more and more, I was essentially refusing the comfort that God provides and I did not permit Him to assuage my fears that I would screw up something in Germany.  I chose feelings while rejecting truth; had I accepted truth, I would have understood that the mission certainly isn't reliant on me.  Even if it were, I should have known that God will not use me to prevent His kingdom from growing!  Anxiety turned humility into self-reliance, comfort into paranoia, productive time with God to wasted time spent worrying.
When I finally realized this, I felt horrified, but turned to prayer.  I asked God to forgive me for my choices and for Him to provide the comfort He promised, and because He is always merciful, He did.  Now is the time for me to repent, and to rest in God.
This isn't to say that anxiety in itself is a sin.  To say that would not only be incorrect, but a terribly harmful idea, so I want to ensure that I am not sending that message.  Where I went wrong was not my fear, but what I chose to do with it, and allowing it to breed and fester.  When I have trust in God, I have a spirit of power, love, and self-control (2 Timothy 1:7).  Fear has absolutely no power in comparison to His, and that which He in turn has bestowed to me and those He calls His.

Introduction

"Be still, and know that I am God.  I will be exalted among the nations, I will be exalted in the earth!"
-Psalm 46:10

Welcome.  If you are here, I thank you for reading.  I'm not sure how often I will have the opportunity to update this blog or if I'll be diligent about it, but I intend to use this as a medium to keep everyone in the loop about my upcoming trip to Leipzig, Germany, and perhaps future trips or even other endeavors.  Either way, the greatest purpose of this blog is to show how God is working in my life and to be held accountable.  After all, to publicly proclaim my everyday testimonies as to how God is displaying His love serves as a way to examine that constantly.

For starters, if you don't already know, I've had an interest in languages for as long as I can remember.  With a passion for languages came a passion for other cultures, and that in turn begot a love for other people.  Somehow, though I once was incredibly cynical and wanted nothing more than to be a reclusive hermit in the Finnish Lapland as soon as I could find a way, God changed me so that I could love His people.

Honestly, I'm still an introvert.  I still think people take a lot of energy.  And sometimes I still sit and cry when I see yet another heinous crime against humanity committed.  And I often feel like I suck at this "love" thing.

But I do have a desire to know and love people.

This is manifesting itself in a desire to go on mission trips.  I always thought those sounded pretty cool, but for some reason it wasn't until last year that I decided I needed to actually do something to get myself there.  So first, the plan was Poland.  While in California last year, my family and I visited my great-aunt Georgia, who goes on mission trips to Poland regularly to help teach children English.  I decided that I, too, wanted to go - until I learned that she wasn't actually going this year.  I was a bit hesitant to go on a trip with people I wasn't already familiar with, so I decided to wait and see what opportunities would open up.

Perhaps the next step, I thought, was to go on a trip to the Czech Republic.  The church I attend, The Crossing, sends people there, and a couple that used to attend our church is now there.  Soon after this decision, I found out that there would be a small team going to the Czech Republic - but they would be going in September, which I could not do because of school.  I resolved once again to wait and see what happened.

Not much longer after that, my dad texted me a picture of a flyer he had found while attending Bible Study Fellowship.  Another church in Fort Collins, LifePointe, was also sending people out on mission trips to Utah, India, Japan, and Germany.  Having already had a vested interest in Germany and the German language, I was quite excited by the thought of doing mission work there.  So despite being nervous at the idea of going on a trip with people I didn't already know - the very reason I decided not to go to Poland - I went to the informational meeting.

The people of the church were so welcoming.  In all my nervousness, I had prepared to be grilled on my beliefs and values, and I thought about how I was going to respond.  Admittedly, I even prepared responses on my beliefs on things like baptism.  After that first informational meeting, I was asked things such as why I wanted to go on the trip, but not the tiny questions I had conjured up in my head.  I then began to attend weekly meetings for those going on the mission trips, which served to help us understand why we were going on these trips and to prepare our hearts for them, and started to pray.  I had a tugging feeling in the back of my mind that this trip wouldn't work out too, and I was still anxious at the idea of the trip, but that didn't mean I wasn't going to make an effort.
By the grace of God, the trip is still working out.
That doesn't mean that things won't still fall through.  God gives... and takes away.  I've prayed that if God wanted me to go on this trip that I would, and though there is still a lot of work to do to prepare for it, I am now 29 days away from boarding the plane.  I've had to come to terms with the fact that my prayer does not change the course that God already has set out for me.  My petitions to Him to please let me go so I can build and cultivate relationships in a beautiful country did not make Him take a pencil, erase what was already destined to happen, and rewrite it.  So, then, unless I happen to break my neck or all airplanes suddenly cease to exist in the next month or something else barring me from leaving happens, I will be going.
If you are reading, please pray for us.  We need prayer that all the team members are able to raise the money to go on this trip; that we will be used as vessels, to be guided in whatever way God sees fit; that we will be building strong relationships with the people we will be meeting; and that we will be safe.  As anxieties surrounding this trip and our outside lives start to build, we need to focus on the greater goal that lies ahead.  But we cannot do this without prayer.  Beyond anything else - such as  resources and money, though those both are still needed - we need to be in communion with God.  All of this team, and all of you who also want to see the advancement of God's kingdom.  Above all else, with each other and with God, we are in need of koinonia.